


Melancholy Kaleidoscope

by MaskedDragoness



Series: Royai Song Fics [1]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Canon Compliant, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, MODERN AU DOE KINDA, PRIDE IS WHY WE CANT HAVE NICE THINGS, Panic Attacks, Rain, Sharing a Bed, Spoilers, Trauma, but like a 'cutscene', dont bully me, oops i made this 6k words, riza hawkeye deserves a cookie, why are all the suggested tags horny jfc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:41:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25175566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaskedDragoness/pseuds/MaskedDragoness
Summary: ∴↼《♛》⇀∴Riza learns that she doesn’t have to face her demons alone.Post florist phone call because I love that scene.----Aka the fic i promised <3(Lyrics + Title based on 'Melancholy Kaleidoscope' by All Time Low)
Relationships: Riza Hawkeye/Roy Mustang
Series: Royai Song Fics [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1823827
Comments: 2
Kudos: 31





	Melancholy Kaleidoscope

**Author's Note:**

> HAHAHA FUCK ME
> 
> I meant to post this a week ago! But then editing!! I forgot that editing does WONDERS for a work. Sorry guys! I do plan on making more, not posting this is keeping me from starting others. I will post 2 other ones this month, at least. So theres my promise, no schedule decided yet. Writing just comes and goes for me. 6k words was also a lot on my end, DONT EXPECT THIS MUCH NEXT TIME. This took so much time, and i have online courses im enrolled in that i haven't done anything in yet so theres that...
> 
> ANYWAY despite my "editing" this is prone to mistakes, i never have my stuff beta read. If you wanna be my beta (God bless) hit me up at maskeddragonessfma.tumblr.com - Even if you dont want to, slide into my dms with royai content please, im willing to chat any time of the day. I take asks and regularly post shitpost <3
> 
> ANYWAY im terrible at anything angst-y so haha sorry

**∴↼《♛》⇀∴**

_Melancholy Kaleidoscope_

_Its high time_

_You shake things up_

_And get the picture in your head right_

_Melancholy Kaleidoscope_

_Its alright_

_Cant be 100_

_If you're only giving 95_

_\---------------------------------_

“Hello there, Madam! This is your neighborhood florist~” the bright and cheery voice of none other than Roy Mustang rang through the phone, as eccentric as ever.

Riza Hawkeye sighed in both relief and exasperation. Even if she wouldn’t admit it, she was relieved to get a phone call from him, especially after what had just happened. But seriously?

“What are you talking about, Colonel!” She almost barked through the phone. As thankful as she was, Riza didn’t feel like playing games. She was exhausted, dizzy, and quite frankly terrified. 

“Ah, sorry.” His words lingered in the air for a few seconds, the silence following sending a pang of guilt into her chest. Was she too harsh? It wasn’t his fault that she was shaken up, to take it out on him by berating him was unfair and childish. She opened her mouth to apologize, when he spoke again.

“I kinda got drunk and somehow bought a car of flowers,” Mustang sheepishly asked. 

Of course he did. She dreaded the report that she would have to turn in about why a chunk of their military budget was used on _flowers._ Would make quite a laugh, though, if she was in the mood. She brought her fingers to her forehead in annoyance as her lips contorted to form a scowl. He spoke again, his tone smooth and slightly comforting.

“Want to do me a favor and take some off my hands?”

_Pause._

Was this an attempt to flirt with her? Really? She was shaking more now, her eyes darting around her apartment, eyeing the shadows in the corners of her room. 

Riza’s mind is reeling with everything that just happened between her and pride- His words echoing in her head. 

_No matter where you are, I will be watching you..._

She shivered, remembering his shadows, closing in around her, choking her, the air escaping from her lungs, trapped in his grasp, his eyes on her, stalking her in the dark. _Always watching._

Riza Hawkeye could practically feel the cut on her cheek burning, the slice of the claws, the glowing eyes on her back, burning into her soul. It was only a matter of time until it was all over, when Pride would realize how useless she really was. One day, she wouldn’t be as lucky as she just was. She wouldn’t be a ‘sacrifice’ worth keeping. 

It was only a matter of time before those dark shadows crept around her, Pride’s eyes burning into her soul.

“What's wrong?” His firm voice shattered her thoughts, forcing her back to reality.

She was here. Now. With him talking to her on the other side of the line. Pride wasn’t here right now, just her. And Roy. 

“Did something happen?” The Colonel's voice was now laced with worry.   
To be fair, Hawkeye was surprised that he could tell over a phone call. To be fair, she's known him long enough to realize that there wasn’t hiding much from Roy Mustang. 

  
But she could try. 

For a moment, she pondered telling him _everything,_ right there, crying into the phone, just letting it out for once- To stop acting so fucking strong all the time. To just let go for a moment. To lean against the wall and spill everything that just happened, tell him how _scared_ she was, how hard it is for her to try to cover it up.   
  
But it was too dangerous. She couldn’t scare him. He had more important things to do anyway. 

As much as it hurt, she couldn’t cause him any panic.

“No sir.” She spoke, as calmly as possible. “It's nothing.” 

“Are you sure?” Her stomach twisted ,and she froze. Could he see right through her? She had to say something sooner or later, so she ran through her options here. There were 2. 

She could say,

‘No, everything’s _not_ alright sir, I feel like I'm being crushed by my anxiety and fear for my life and yours’

Or she could say,

‘Everything's fine, sir.’

Or, she could also say,

‘Sir, please, you flatter me, but I doubt you actually have the guts to ask me out.’

_Wait._

_Wait no._

_There are only 2 options. That is not one of them._ She promised to chide herself about this later, after she finished her phone call with her superior who just used military cash to buy flowers. A military officer that would go into panic if someone did as much as lay a scratch on her.

At that moment, she decided on option 2. He had enough to worry about. But she was still hesitant. 

Last chance. Last chance to _say something dammit._ Last chance to- no. She couldn’t. She would jeopardize them both. 

“Yes sir. Everythings fine.” She lied.

“I'm sorry to let you down, but I don’t even own a flower vase. Thanks for thinking of me though.”

They exchanged a few more words before she hung up. She sighed in relief and mild pain, and turned to Black Hayate, smiling. She bent down and hugged her beloved shiba inu. 

“It's amazing how uncanny his timing is.”

She appreciated the gesture. She knew that he would _freak_ if anything happened to her, which was, arguably, quite adorable- But not ideal. There were more important matters at hand anyway. Everyone was in danger- Mustang, the Elrics, all of Amestris. There was no room for her selfishness. 

∴↼《♛》⇀∴

Riza Hawkeye didn’t sleep that night.

And it showed. 

She was more irritable- Of course she snapped at Mustang on occasion, but this was a little excessive. She was much more harsh with his playful and flirtatious banter, especially when it was directed at her. She wouldn’t engage in casual conversation, always changing the subject to his pressing paperwork, and worked to avoid casual eye contact. Sometimes she wouldn’t stop scanning the room, looking everywhere, surveying her surroundings, seemingly poised and ready to strike- a little _too_ eagerly. 

On top of that, the dark under Hawkeye’s eyes were more than noticeable. She did the best she could to be presentable, but the signs were glaringly obvious, both physically and emotionally. 

Roy noticed it the very next morning, as soon as Hawkeye walked into his office. She looked like shit. And that's saying a lot, at least to Roy, because Hawkeye looked pretty damn good in general. 

The team noticed it too, and none of them even dared to bring it up in fear that they might just get shot. 

Dropping a rather heavy stack of paperwork on his desk, Roy gulped. He knew it was in his best interest to avoid her warpath too, but he couldn’t find it in himself to not _try_ to lighten her mood. Unfortunately, it was really unsuccessful, as she either flat out ignored him or snapped at him more. He only found peace when she buried her nose in a book.

Mustang knew he needed to do something. Sure, she looked like she was about to murder someone, but she was his friend,and it was his responsibility to do everything reasonable within his power to try to help her. Sitting at his desk, he took a moment to try to brainstorm what may have happened, tensing when he remembered last night’s phone call. _Was she really alright?_

They needed to talk. He figured lunch was the ideal time for that, so he would just have to wait. But the guilt rolled over him like waves, angrily kicking himself as their exchange played over and over in his mind like a broken record.

Did he cross a line?

Was she really alright?

Why didn’t he pry further?

What could he have done? 

Much to Hawkeye’s discontent, he didn’t sign many papers that morning. 

He met up Riza as she went to sit down in the mess hall, holding her tray in her hand, her shoulders slightly slumped and her face contorted into a resting scowl. Roy tailed her as she made her way to a table in the back, away from the crowd, placing down her tray slinging her legs over the bench as she began to grab her sandwich. By this time, Mustang knew that she sensed his presence behind her by the way her back stiffened.

“Lieutenant, may I sit with you?” He asked, his tone soft yet firm.

She inhaled sharply, her face contorted into a mix between mild surprise and panic. Her eyebrows were raised, her shoulders square as she was standing rigidly. She didn’t expect to have lunch with him.   
  
“Yes Sir.”

She sat up straighter and squared her shoulders at the request, clearing her throat and doing whatever she could to try to maintain professionalism.

As soon as he sat down across from her, setting his tray down gently, he looked her in the eyes. She looked, well, dead. Her eyes were absent of her fire, and she looked pale. No matter how hard she tried to appear poised, the lethargy evident in her face could not be concealed. She stared at her sandwich, blatantly avoiding eye contact. _Is she ashamed of something?_

_What did I do wrong?_

It was at that moment that he decided to drop formalities. He was tired of secrets between them. If he did something wrong, he didn’t want her to hold back. 

“Riza…”

Her cold, dark eyes snapped up to meet his, and he shivered at their emptiness. She took a deep breath, blinked, and set her sandwich down. She nodded politely at him, her face solid as stone.

“Colonel?” 

_It was going to be a little rough trying to break through her barriers_.

But they needed to talk. His face softened, and he slumped his shoulders a little, trying to appear as informal as possible. 

  
  


  
“I've been worried about you.” He finally spoke. 

She froze, wrapping her hand around her water cup, and looking away into the empty distance.

Sometimes Roy Mustang just wished he could reach out and hug her. She really looked like she needed one, to be quite honest. Just to wrap her in his arms and tell her that it's going to be _ok._ That they are in this _together._ He wants to be able to be the friend she deserves- But it's selfish. He can’t do that- The risk is too high. Rumors and risks they couldn’t afford to deal with, no matter how much it ripped him up inside. 

“You shouldn’t be.” Roy did everything he could to try to detect any emotion in her statement, any hint of what is going on, about what he could do. _Or what he did wrong._ His throat tightened. The last thing he needed to do was hurt her. He had done that enough already. 

“Riza, please just tell me what’s going on,” Mustang pleaded. He was desperate, and he wasn’t afraid to show it anymore. He surveyed her face again, but it remained emotionless and stern. 

“I'm not sure what you are talking about, sir.” She sipped her water nonchalantly- It could have fooled anyone- Anyone, of course, but Roy Mustang. He had known her for too long. He looked her in the eyes with determination. She remained unflinching, instead quickly darting her eyes around the room, as if she was scanning for something. _What the hell?_

He sighed in defeat. He wasn’t going to get any sensitive information in a bustling dining hall. With so many people, so much noise. This seemed as if it was more of a personal matter, Roy observed, than one worth discussing in a business place. 

“Meet me outside then, at 19:00 please, before you head back to your apartment.” He began to pack his things and stood up, his shoulders slumping.

“Yes Sir!” she saluted as she went to pack hers as well, going to the counter to (hopefully) grab a cookie. She deserved it anyway.   
  


He turned away, and walked back to the office to finish his paperwork. He would talk to her after. 

∴↼《♛》⇀∴

19:00 came slowly to Riza. She knew she couldn’t lie to him. She _should,_ but she knew her walls were going to crumble, and the floodgates were going to burst, no matter how hard she tried to bolt them shut. The nightmares were becoming too much.

It was already dark outside, and raining. 

_Dark._

Riza stood outside, underneath the shelter of the protruding roof, listening to the water run down the metal gutters, the hollow sound resonating down the tubes mixing with the water splashing onto the pavement. She wasn’t expecting the rain, and forgot an umbrella, leaving her to stand there with nothing but a tight black t-shirt and a white jacket. She had her hair down too, and she really didn’t feel like getting it wet- anyway, it was too cold and she was far too exhausted from not sleeping at all, and constantly remaining on high alert.   
  
She contemplated just _heading home_ already, but something inside of her kept her feet rooted to the ground. She checked her watch; 17:03. He was late. She wasn’t in the mood to chide him for it though, so she just leaned her back against the wall of Central and gazed up at the ceiling.

It wasn't long until the doors opened behind her- she didn’t even turn around, she knew who it was. Barely anyone stuck around this late after hours. She heard something unfold in the background, with a _zip_ and a small _pop._

“Want to share an umbrella? I insist.”

She normally would have declined, just to be polite, but it was pouring outside and she didn’t want to go home soaked. So she accepted.

  
“Thank you sir.”

Roy Mustang approached her, dressed in a long black trench coat and combat boots, holding an umbrella out to her as she wrapped her hand around its handle, taking hold of it. He slung his arm around her shoulder, almost naturally, and she didn’t protest. Hawkeye holding the umbrella over both of them, they synchronously stepped out into the rain. 

  
  


They walked across the city streets in silence. They lived across from each other’s apartment, so they were vaguely heading in the same direction. 

It was silent, other than the motors of cars passing, and the sounds of their boots splashing in the shallow puddles on the sidewalk, the water reflecting the neon lights of Central. It was stunning to say the least- Flashing bulbs and signs mixing bold hues of green, purple, and yellow against the falling rain. Even Riza admitted that it was, in fact, gorgeous. When she looked back at Mustang to make sure he was still sheltered by the umbrella, she caught him studying her face, his dark brown eyes reflecting the lights like opals. 

“Sir?” Her heart was pounding in her chest as she met his gaze. She wanted to say something, but her conscience screamed differently. Deep down, she wanted to let it all loose, just collapse and tell him how fucking _terrified_ she was, how _scared_ she was, to not be strong for once. 

Her head pounded, running through all the ways he could react- most of the outcomes ending with him being thoroughly disappointed in her inability to just suck it up and be strong. 

  
She promised to follow him into hell, so she was going to do just that. And not worry him. At all. Nope. 

Mustang’s expression softened and he glanced away for a moment, as they stopped near the corner of the street only 2 blocks or so from their apartment, waiting for the pedestrian signal in front of a clothing store. He let go of her shoulder and his hand snaked down to clasp hers. Riza noticed that it was almost as sweaty as hers, which was both reassuring and concerning at the same time.

“I've been worried about you.”

His gaze met hers, and she did everything she could to try to wipe any sort of emotion off her face. She began to tremble, Pride’s words echoing in her head, mixing with the patter of the raindrops on the colonel’s umbrella.

_No matter where you are, I will be watching you… From the shadows._

Her gut wrenched, and she instinctively glanced around, looking behind them, for any sign of the eyes and teeth of the homunculus, the shadow curling around her neck, ready to slice-

“Riza-”

They could be anywhere- behind the lamppost, behind the bench, waiting. _Watching_. Only a matter of time until it was all over for her. She stood no chance against Pride, but she needed to protect Mustang-

“Riza, look at me.” Roy lightly grabbed her chin, turning her face towards him, narrowing his eyes at her. She inhaled sharply, realizing their proximity. Mustang noticed it too, and she watched a light blush spread across his cheeks. He would have stepped back if they weren't sheltering under the umbrella, desperately wanting to avoid the downpour. After all, Roy Mustang was useless in the rain.

She couldn’t keep the floodgates closed. Tears pricked at her eyes as she began to tremble uncontrollably, her hands sweating profusely and her breathing ragged. Her throat clenched, and her head spun.

  
“I'm sorry.” Her voice cracked as tears streamed down her face. She couldn’t breathe, and she let go of Mustang’s hand, and balled hers into a fist. Everything just came pouring out, the walls burst right open, the pain rolling over her in waves. Her knees threatened to buckle, and it took all of her strength to just stand upright.

“I couldn’t protect you.” Riza choked out. She was sobbing now, and looked down in shame, the tears falling down her face with the rain around them. Her gut twisted and she felt sick to her stomach, the world spinning around her.

∴↼《♛》⇀∴

  
  


Mustang stood there, shocked as all hell. 

The only thing he could think to do was to wrap his arms around his first Lieutenant and pull her form against his chest. She didn’t protest, only cried harder as he buried his nose into her bleach blond hair.

They stood there for a while, Mustang having taken the umbrella from her as he held his crying lieutenant. The streets were mostly empty now, so there wasn’t anyone around to watch them- which Roy counted his blessings for. Not that he was embarrassed, but Riza was never comfortable with a lot of attention. 

Riza was hanging onto him for dear life, like he was an island in the flood. When he held her like this, she felt like she was wrapped in a blanket of warmth and light, and she never wanted to leave. It felt like _home._

She just wanted to stay there forever, was that too much to ask?

But she couldn’t. Not now. There was too much going on, he was in too much danger. The world as they knew it was turning upside down. They've uncovered the ugly truth, about Bradly, about _Selim._ They couldn’t be distracted, even if her heart tore apart as she let go to once again be washed away by the sea. There was too much at stake, Mustang’s future, her future, they couldn’t risk it. Riza knew damn well that he knew the same. They convinced themselves they would never _dare_ to be anything more than Lieutenant and Colonel. 

  
  


“Would you like to go to your apartment?” He asked once they had pulled apart, his hand still in hers. 

“Yes sir.” Riza Hawkeye stood up and wiped the tears from her eyes, taking a few deep breaths as they went to cross the next street.

∴↼《♛》⇀∴

When they arrived at her apartment, Riza couldn’t help but notice Roy’s sheepish demeanor.

_He doesn’t think it's his fault, does he? Did I fuck up? Again?_

She realized that Roy must have read her face as he grabbed one of her hands as he slid his umbrella into the rack by the door.

“Riza, you didn’t let me down, and you never will.” He reached for the light switch and clicked it on, illuminating the spartan room. Black Hayate, who was now awake, barked and ran up to Roy, running circles around him as he chuckled.   
“Hayate! Down boy!” At the sound of her command, the shiba inu padded across the room and promptly sat down next to his empty food bowl and began to whine. She moved to get the dog food before Roy stuck his arm out to stop her. Confused, she looked at him before he dropped it and moved past her towards Black Hayate.

“Can I feed him?” He asked politely, bending down to pet him, the black dog leaning into his touch and wagging his tail in eagerness.

“Of course.” Riza was a little taken aback from the small talk, as if nothing had just happened on that street corner. She felt comfortable, though, that he would always be there for her, not just as lieutenant but as Riza. And this sense of normalcy made her feel a little bit more at home. 

She watched as his eyes flickered to the phone on the table, the same phone which she picked up when he called her.   
“I really should buy you a vase sometime.” He gazed up at her with a mischievous smirk as he poured the dog food into Hayate’s bowl, and she had to look away to hide her blush. When she glanced back, she was met with the sight of Hayate licking her friend’s face as he giggled in delight.   
  
“Did I ever tell you how much I love your dog?” He managed between childish giggles, as Riza felt her face warm again. Black Hayate practically pounced on the Flame Colonel, licking his face with affection.

“You shouldn’t get too attached to his kisses, after all, you _are_ useless when wet, Colonel.” She felt this added a layer of much needed levity to the situation, so she would play along. 

He frowned comically. “Dang, really?” He broke out in laughter again, and Riza’s heart _soared._ God she loved him.

_What?_

_No, that wasn’t right._

_She just cared about him really deeply._

That's all.

She looked away again, shuffling over to flop onto her couch and hold her head in her hands. Upon hearing her sit, Mustang stood up and made his way over to sit next to her. 

The couch sunk with his weight as Riza moved to the other end to make room for him. He stared directly at her, as she turned away in embarrassment, doing her best to look distracted by Black Hayate. She doesn’t like talking about feelings, especially when it might hurt someone else. She considered evading his questioning and just saying she'd had a hard time sleeping, but that wasn’t going to just make him forget about her breakdown on the street, which she found quite embarrassing to say the least. 

But Roy didn’t make her feel incredibly stupid about it. There was something about him that was overwhelmingly comforting, like a warm fire in a cold blizzard. She _needed_ him there. She took a deep breath as she turned her head to speak.

“Lieutenant-”

“Colonel-”   
They both began to speak at the same time, each of them abruptly stopping midway, flustered. Roy coughed sheepishly, and Riza maintained eye contact, trying to maintain the professionalism of the conversation, that is, if there was any to start with.

“You go first.” He sounded like a 16 year old kid, if she was being honest, but she found it kind of charming and comforting in a way.

She was about to say something when she paused, quite frankly terrified of what Pride might do to her if he found his cover was blown. She scanned the room, letting her eyes linger in the shadows under the counter, by the door, in the corner. Riza Hawkeye realized that if anything did happen, she would be trapped, nowhere to run, and she didn’t have colonel’s flame gloves with her either. She was unprepared, unorganized, and vulnerable. They would both be put into jeopardy because of her incompetence-

  
Roy grabbed her hand in his, intertwining his fingers with hers and gently giving it a squeeze. He looked at her with the most _goddamn soft_ face ever, and Riza suddenly felt safe.   
This wasn’t the best way to tell him. She will do it tomorrow. Right now, she just wanted to stay where she was. 

“Sir, could we eat lunch together again tomorrow?” Riza saw the confused expression on his face soften into a silent understanding.

“Of course, lieutenant.” 

Roy squeezed her hand harder. He brought his other hand up to her face to caress her cheek gently. Riza looked down in shame- She had worried him, she knew this was a stupid idea. He might go do something reckless, and next time she wouldn’t be there to stop him.   
So much for doing her job to protect him dammit-

His finger brushed over her cut lightly, and she winced. It still stung a little, and when she retracted slightly, he let go of her face and moved to grasp her other hand. Both their palms were sweaty, but their mere touch kept Riza from having a full blown panic attack. 

“You’re hurt.” His voice was laced with concern.

  
  


“I managed fine, sir.”

“You haven’t slept.” Mustang countered. 

“I couldn’t prot-” He put a finger up to her lips and leaned a little bit closer.

“Stop acting like I’m mad in you because you got hurt.” Riza’s eyes widened and she sucked in a breath. She opened her mouth to speak when she was stopped again.

“I'm mad at you,” he continued, narrowing his eyes, “That you didn’t tell me.” She grimaced a little, guilt washing over her. She had the chance, but-No. No excuses. She should have, then maybe he could have been safer-

“Worry about yourself for once, dammit!” He snarled, tears springing to his eyes. She was taken aback for a moment, filled with shame and guilt. It was rare for him to lash out like this, and she knew it was more serious when he used the hushed tone he applied now. She only met his gaze again when he let go of her hands before he hugged her so tight she almost couldn’t breathe. Roy had his right hand in her hair as Riza buried her face into his neck, as they silently cried together.

  
∴↼《♛》⇀∴

When Riza woke up, she was alone in the dark.

Her heart jumped to her throat, and her lungs constricted as she started to sweat again. She went to feel for her surroundings, terrified of the cage she felt trapped in. 

_The shadows._   
The words rung through her head, and she had to hold her temples for the pounding to cease. She felt dizzy and nauseous, but relieved when she found she was on her mattress.

_Her bed?_

_What happened last night?_ Riza sucked in a breath.

_Oh yeah. I told him._

She squinted her eyes shut. She cried, then what? 

Did Roy carry her to bed?

_Thats embarrassing._

Did she fall asleep? Most likely. She was fucking exhausted. She could barely keep her eyes open, that was, until the fear set in. 

Dark. The shadows. Alone.

Her breathing sped up exponentially and she began to shake, tears forming at her eyes. She wasn’t cut out for this. So much doubt filled her mind, she felt like just melting into a puddle of shame, sadness, and fear. She didn’t want to be here, in the cold dark room, by herself. What kind of fool was she, needing protection like that? She was the Hawk’s eyes, unmoving, unafraid in the face of danger. What kind of lieutenant was she? 

What kind of protector was she?

She vowed to follow him into hell, this wasn’t even close.

A big baby. That's who she was.

Suddenly, she felt something on her hand.

  
Something _warm_.

She froze in utter terror, adrenaline coursing through her veins as her ears were filled with the sound of her own heartbeat.

Riza was reliving a nightmare.

“Riza?” That tone sounded familiar. She practically sighed in relief. She feared the worst, that it was Pride, but still,

_Wait._

_Someone is in my room._

_In my bed._

Riza sucked in a deep breath and recoiled quickly, breathing heavily. Her eyes dilated using the little light there was outside the window due to central’s 24/7 neon signs. After a few seconds, she could make out a figure laying next to her in bed, his jet black hair clearly disheveled and his eyes heavy. He slowly began to sit up as Hawkeye realized who it was.

“Sir? What are you doing here?” She immediately began to pat herself down, sitting up straight and doing what she could to make herself mildly presentable.

She ran her fingers through her hair in an attempt to comb it, to a degree, but it was tangled and messy. She was in her casual clothes that she wore on her emotional walk home, so that removed a little awkwardness from the situation.

“Colonel, why didn’t you head home?!” She was angry now though, he worried way too much about her. It was ridiculous, she could sleep by herself for one night for christ sake! He should have just left her, he had done enough. She watched him, eyes narrowed, as he sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes.

“Do you know what _time_ it was, lieutenant?” He groaned, resting his head on his elbow as she looked away sheepishly. She had kept him late, and god she felt selfish for the little tug in her heart that wanted him here, next to her. She felt warm and fuzzy inside, as cliche as that sounded, when he was next to her. This was the first time Riza Hawkeye had been able to feel at peace for a long time. 

And she liked it. 

“Im sorry sir.”

“Well it's still too late to leave here anyway, it's probably 1am.” He laid back down, his head resting on his crossed arms, gazing up at the ceiling, smirking. He caught her narrowing her eyes at him, catching onto his hidden motives. He looked away nervously, blood rushing to his cheeks as he turned as red as a tomato, silently praying that Hawkeye couldn’t see it in the darkness. He rolled onto his side, his back facing her to try to obscure his flustered state. 

“Just go to sleep, ok? You need it. I've set an alarm for the morning, I can head back then.” He grumbled, gulping anxiously. After all, Roy Mustang was sleeping with his _Lieutenant._ Had he told himself a few days ago that he would be in this situation, he was sure his past self would slap him and tell him that he is _way_ too hopeful. 

_God he was whipped._

He felt the bed creak as Hawkeye sunk back into the mattress as silently as possible.

“Thank you sir.” She breathed, and he could have sworn that he somehow got _redder._ Hell, it was so bad that by the time he was composed enough to reply, Hawkeye was fast asleep. He figured he should do the same.

∴↼《♛》⇀∴

When she next awoke, it was to the beeping of Mustang’s phone on the nightstand across from them. Dawn’s light poured through the window, illuminating the room in a hazy magenta glow. This time, the shadows it cast on the wall were not frightening, but playful and open. She felt like she was being wrapped in sunlight as she smiled.

She went to go reach for the phone, sitting up and reaching out to try to stop the beeping when she realized that there were arms around her waist, anchoring her to the bed. _What?_

The events that transpired over the last twelve hours began to replay through her head, but this time, she didn’t feel like she was being hit by a freight train- instead, Riza felt oddly _at peace_ with it. But when she finally recalled how exactly Roy Mustang, her superior officer and closest friend, got into bed with her, she realized how _awkward_ this was. 

This was less than ideal- Sleeping with a superior officer? Even ‘platonically’? They could be _court marshalled!_ Plus, she would never hear the end of it from Rebecca. She slowly turned her head to find that Mustang was still sleeping (thankfully, he probably wouldn’t let her live this down either), and surveyed their position. He had his arms wrapped around her, his head buried in her messy mop of bleach blond hair, _cradling her._

_This was way too comfortable._

She sucked in a breath as she mentally considered ways that she could remove herself from this situation, first moving her hands to his to gently pry them off. As soon as she shifted, though, she froze as she heard his breath hitch. She watched in utter _horror_ as he cracked his eyes open, mumbling incoherently. His eyes began to adjust to the lighting of the room, and as soon as they did, they grew to the size of dinner plates as he snatched his arms away from her and held his hands up in surrender.

“Oh my god. Lieutenant. I am- So sorry. Gosh, I-” He muttered, flustered and as red as a tomato, unable to formulate a single fluid sentence. Blood began to rush to Hawkeye’s cheeks as well, causing her to turn away in embarrassment as she heard him grab the phone to cease the beeping.

They sat facing away from each other on opposite sides of the bed for a few minutes, each of them individually trying to process what the _hell_ just happened. 

Riza wasn’t _oblivious._ She didn’t doubt for a second that Roy Mustang probably had a, _thing_ for her. After what they had been through, it was justified. However, she vowed to herself that she would follow him into hell, even if it meant her own personal hell of not telling him how she felt for the bigger picture. If they were caught, everything for them would be ruined. They would never be able to restore balance, right the wrongs of the Ishvalan extermination, or weed out the corruption of the Amestris military. They were there on behalf of the people who didn't have the opportunity to make that kind of change happen. If she ruined it, if he ruined it, not only would they be failing themselves, but all of Amestris as well.   
If they got kicked out before Mustang could become Fuhrer, well, then their entire lives were for nothing. Therefore, it would be selfish to tell him. To say something, even though they knew mutually how much it hurt. Riza Hawkeye and Roy Mustang were fighting for something much bigger than themselves. There was no room for unnecessary risks and rumors. So they kept their mouths shut.

Yet, sitting some 5 feet apart, they never felt so alone.

Three words that could change everything. 3 words to make their worlds fill with color.

3 words that were so utterly selfish they dare not say them.

So when Roy stood up, they mutually decided to never speak of this again.

The bed shifted as he rose to his feet, his steps to the couch waking up black hayate, who raised an ear in curiosity, then promptly fell back asleep.

Grabbing his coat off the couch and putting it back on, Mustang turned to a now standing Riza with an emotionless face.

“If anyone asks, I came in here to deliver papers I worked on last night before work.” The tension in the room hung over the both of them like heavy fog, thick and suffocating.

“Yes sir.” Riza did the same with her expression, giving him a salute as he slid into his boots and took his umbrella out of the rack.

It seemed that before she could even blink, Colonel Roy Mustang was gone. But this time, instead of feeling empty inside, she felt warm and invigorated. She was ready to start the day anew and unafraid- If that was due to the fact that she actually got sleep last night, or that Mustang held her, she couldn’t decide. Not yet, at least.

Her own alarm going off rocked her back to reality, her phone buzzing persistently in her jacket pocket on the coat hanger by her door. She moved to shut it off, and once she did, she proceeded with her morning routine- Taking a shower, getting changed, feeding Black Hayate, who was now eagerly pacing around his food bowl, his tail wagging.

By the time she was walking down the street on her way to Central, it was already 7:54. She didn’t pay much mind to it, she was only 5 minutes or so away from the office, and she had no intention of showing up late. 

∴↼《♛》⇀∴  
When Riza Hawkeye walked into the office, well rested and ready to start the day with a fresh stack of paperwork, the entire team was quite relieved. The bags from under the lieutenant’s eyes had vanished, the color in her face had returned, and she looked like she was in a much better mood than before. 

“Lieutenant, it’s nice to have you back!” Havoc stated, leaning back in his chair nonchalantly. Narrowing her eyes at him, she replied monotonously.

“I don’t recall leaving in the first place, Havoc.”

He pursed his lips and sat up straight, finally turning his focus to the papers Hawkeye left on his desk. From the other side of the hushed room, Mustang chuckled as heads swiveled in his direction. He tapped the pen on his desk lightly before setting it down.  
“Best not to push your luck.”

And then, it was normal again. 

  
  
**∴↼《♛》⇀∴**

_So would you please stand by_

_Are we out of time_

_Maybe ill feel better_

_Gimme 45_

_Staring at the ceiling_

_Choking back my feelings_

_Cant be 100_

_If youre only giving 95_

  
\-----------------------------  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> So you read this far? holy fuck, good job
> 
> you have more of an attention span than me
> 
> AAAAAA IF YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME PLEASSEEE visit my tumblr im lonely, someone dropped an ask and it absolutely made my day, no joke
> 
> Im going to be going between working on the next one of this series! Also expect me to find a mistake in the writing and then editing it tomorrow...
> 
> Thank you SO MUCH for reading. It means alot that people appreciate my little contributions to this wonderful fandom. 💕💕💕
> 
> I hope you have a wonderful day.  
> -Obby


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